Mystic Nadine.

According to Iain Dale, ‘Nadine Dorries is a Tory MP with a sense of humor’ – which is news to me (not the sense of humour but the fact that she’s a Tory MP).

Still on the strength of these comments, I can’t help but agree with his assessment of her ‘blog’ as being ‘hilarious’, although not for the reasons that Iain suggests…

600 children are mugged in school every day, the majority of which go unreported. These figures are not represented in the government’s statistics as crimes committed by those under 16 are not included in the national stats.

Err… Nadine. As both the Mirror and the Beeb cite the estimated number of in-school muggings as being aound 120 a day, I think you mean 600 a week – and even that’s a guess, as the Manchester Evening News helpfully explains:

Data compiled by the Conservatives showed 1,909 youngsters aged 11 to 16 were robbed in the region during 2005/06, according to police figures from England and Wales.

Because official Government data suggests only a fifth of robberies are reported to police, the true number of robberies on secondary school pupils could be as high as 9,091 a year, the Tories suggested.

It’s also worth pointing out that the figures do not record actual muggings taking place in schools, or even muggings that actually take place on school days – what the Tories have done is:

1. Taken the actual number of reported muggings in this age group.

2. Multiplied that figure by five (because other government data suggests that only a fifth of robberies are actually reported to the Police – this seems to be the figure for all robberies, not just those specific to this age group).

3. Divided this total by the number of day in the year to get the average number of muggings per day, and

4. Mentioned that there are 195 school days in the year in order to suggest a connection between schools and muggings that cannot actually be derived from the data itself.

In short, from the Tory’s data.

1. We don’t actually know how many children age 11-16 are mugged each year.

2. We don’t actually know how many are mugged every day.

3. We don’t actually know how many muggings take place on schools days, and
4. We don’t actually know how many muggings take place in school or on journeys to and from school, as opposed to taking place entirely outside school hours.

What we do know for certain is that this data tells us absolutely fuck all with an degree of certainty and, indeed, is so poorly derived and constructed as to tell us fuck all in which we can have any degree of confidence.

And what we also know for certain is that Nadine is a little confused as to the difference between the meaning of a day and that of a school week – which is five days.

But the fact that she’s knows fuck all is not going to stop Nadine…

We know the reason why these muggings happen. Drugs are a part of every day life for many young people in many schools. Mobile phones and iPods, the must have accessories for any teenager, are easy prey.

No we don’t know that Nadine, and nor do you or your party. We don’t even know for sure how many muggings take place on school days or actually in schools, let alone why these muggings happen, if they indeed do.

Not to put to fine a point on it, you are talking out of your arse here, Nadine. You really haven’t got a fucking clue what you’re talking about at all, you’re just parroting some made up ‘statistics’ that have been released by your party to promote one of their policies – and all without a single shred of tangible or reliable evidence to back up any one of your claims.

Kids could well be robbing each other of Mobile Phones and iPods in order to facilitate their drug habits. They could just as easily be stealing each other’s dinner money and spending the proceeds on sugar mice and licorice balls. You don’t actually know, you’re just talking bollocks.
And as for your little dig at Hilary Armstrong:

When giving my speech yesterday I mentioned Ian’s report. The recently sacked  Labour Chief Whip Hilary Armstrong cackled and squawked from her seat “where is he then?” over and over again, because IDS was not in his seat in the chamber.

It gave me the hugest pleasure to inform her, that whilst we were sitting in the chamber talking about the problems of social exclusion and deprivation, IDS was in Balsall Heath in Birmingham with his sleeves rolled up, working on two community projects with voluntary workers – looking for, and talking to people who really knew the answers. 

Well its good to that old ‘In Deep Shit’ is getting out and about and talking to people who really know the answers – because if its answers he wants he’ll get fuck all from talking to you.
Iain’s right. You’re hilarious – hilariously fucking stupid.

Not so much a ‘desperate housewives moment’, then, just plain old fucking desperate.

And the moral of this story for all MPs and Political Parties?

Just because the morons in the media will report any old crap you politicos put out doesn’t mean that us people out here in the real worth will believe it, fail to check it or refrain from ripping you a new arsehole when it turns out that your old one, that you’ve been talking out of for years, is obviously completely and utterly clogged with bullshit.

Welcome to the blogosphere, Nadine. Do enjoy your stay (and do try to get a Maths GCSE and a calendar while you’re on – it’ll help).

  • Finally some one who understand that when you commit BS with numbers the meaning is BS. I now count two whole people online that I can say for certain grasp this. The otherone is me.

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