The ID Cards Debate sketch

Citizen: Ah. I’d like to have a debate about Identity Cards, please.
Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Citizen: No, I haven’t, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you have any proof of identity. An identity card, perhaps?
Citizen: Well, actually no. That’s what I’ve come here to talk about.
Receptionist: Oh. So you’d like to have an Identity Card, then.
Citizen: Well, no. That what I’d like to debate, if possible.
Receptionist: Mr. McNulty’s free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Clarke; room 12.
Citizen: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Mr Campbell: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Citizen: Well, I was told outside that…
Mr Campbell: Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Citizen: What?
Mr Campbell: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
Citizen: Look, I CAME HERE FOR A DEBATE ABOUT IDENTITY CARDS, I’m not going to just stand…!!
Mr Campbell: OH, oh I’m sorry, I thought you were a journalist.
Citizen: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Mr Campbell: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
Citizen: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Mr Campbell: Not at all.
Citizen: Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
Citizen: (Knock)
Mr Clarke: Come in.
Citizen: Ah, Is this the right room for a debate about Identity Cards?
Mr Clarke: I’ve already given you a full and frank explanation of the Government’s position on this..
Citizen: No you haven’t.
Mr Clarke: Yes I have.
Citizen: When?
Mr Clarke: Just now.
Citizen: No you didn’t.
Mr Clarke: Yes I did.
Citizen: You didn’t
Mr Clarke: I did!
Citizen: You didn’t!
Mr Clarke: I’m telling you I did!
Citizen: You did not!!
Mr Clarke: Oh, I’m sorry, just one moment. Is this a full debate or is there a gullotine in force?
Citizen: Erm, the lady at reception didn’t say.
Mr Clarke: Ah, thank you. Must be guillotined then. Anyway, I did.
Citizen: You most certainly did not.
Mr Clarke: Look, let’s get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
Citizen: No you did not.
Mr Clarke: Yes I did.
Citizen: No you didn’t.
Mr Clarke: Yes I did.
Citizen: No you didn’t.
Mr Clarke: Yes I did.
Citizen: No you didn’t.
Mr Clarke: Yes I did.
Citizen: You didn’t.
Mr Clarke: Did.
Citizen: Oh look, this isn’t a debate.
Mr Clarke: Yes it is.
Citizen: No it isn’t. It’s just contradiction.
Mr Clarke: No it isn’t.
Citizen: It is!
Mr Clarke: It is not.
Citizen: Look, you just contradicted me.
Mr Clarke: I did not.
Citizen: Oh you did!!
Mr Clarke: No, no, no.
Citizen: You did just then.
Mr Clarke: Nonsense!
Citizen: Oh, this is futile!
Mr Clarke: No it isn’t.
Citizen: I came here for a good debate about Identity Cards.
Mr Clarke: No you didn’t; no, you came here for a debate.
Citizen: An debate isn’t just contradiction.
Mr Clarke: It can be.
Citizen: No it can’t. An debate is a formal discussion of opposing points and arguments intended to establish or dispute a particular proposition.
Mr Clarke: No it isn’t.
Citizen: Yes it is! It’s not just contradiction.
Mr Clarke: Look, if I debate Identity Cards with you and you oppose the Government’s position, I must take up a contrary position.
Citizen: Yes, but that’s not just saying ‘No it isn’t.’
Mr Clarke: Yes it is!
Citizen: No it isn’t!
Mr Clarke: Yes it is!
Citizen: Debate is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
Mr Clarke: No it isn’t.
Citizen: It is.
Mr Clarke: Not at all.
Citizen: Now look.
Mr Clarke: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
Citizen: What?
Mr Clarke: That’s it. Good morning.
Citizen: I was just getting interested.
Mr Clarke: Sorry, the debate’s over.
Citizen: But didn’t actually debate anything about Identity Cards!
Mr Clarke: I’m afraid we did.
Citizen: We didn’t.
Mr Clarke: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to debate anymore.
Citizen: What?!
Mr Clarke: If you want me to go on debating, you’ll have to head over to the House of Lords.
Citizen: Yes, but that was never a debate, just now. Oh come on!
Mr Clarke: (Hums)
Citizen: Look, this is ridiculous.
Mr Clarke: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to debate this matter any further. Parliamentary rules, you know!
Citizen: Oh, all right.
(Citizen leaves room)
Mr Clarke: Thank you. Don’t forget to register for your Identity Card on the way out.
(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

Citizen: I want to complain.
Mr Blair: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I’ve only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
Citizen: No, I want to complain about…
Mr Blair: If you complain then we do listen and learn… and then nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
Citizen: Oh!
Mr Blair: Oh my back hurts, it’s not a very fine day and I’m sick and tired of this office.

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

Citizen: Hello, I want to… Ooooh!
Mr Prescott: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
Citizen: uuuwwhh!!
Mr Prescott: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
Citizen: No.
Mr Prescott: Now..
Citizen: Waaaaah!!!
Mr Prescott: Good, Good! That’s it.
Citizen: Stop hitting me!!
Mr Prescott: What?
Citizen: Stop hitting me!!
Mr Prescott: Stop hitting you?
Citizen: Yes!
Mr Prescott: Why did you come in here then?
Citizen: I wanted to complain.
Mr Prescott: Oh no, that’s next door. This is the Deputy Prime Minister’s office.
(Citizen leaves room)

Citizen: What a stupid concept.

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