The ID Cards Debate sketch

Citizen: Ah. I’d like to have a debate about Identity Cards, please. Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before? Citizen: No, I haven’t, this is my first time. Receptionist: I see. Well, do you have any proof of identity. An identity card, perhaps? Citizen: Well, actually no. That’s what I’ve come here to talk about. Receptionist: Oh. So you’d like to have an Identity Card, then. Citizen: Well, no. That what I’d like to debate, if possible. Pause Receptionist: Mr. McNulty’s free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Clarke; room 12. Citizen: Thank you. (Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Mr Campbell: WHAT DO YOU WANT? Citizen: Well, I was told outside that… Mr Campbell: Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Citizen: What? Mr Campbell: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!! Citizen: Look, I CAME HERE FOR A DEBATE ABOUT IDENTITY CARDS, I’m not going to just stand…!! Mr Campbell: OH, oh I’m sorry, I thought you were a journalist. Citizen: Oh, I see, well, that explains it. Mr Campbell: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor. Citizen: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry. Mr Campbell: Not at all. Citizen: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor) Citizen: (Knock) Mr Clarke: Come in. Citizen: Ah, Is this the right room for a debate about Identity Cards? Mr Clarke: I’ve already given you a full and frank explanation of the Government’s position on this.. Citizen: No you haven’t. Mr Clarke: Yes I have. Citizen: When? Mr Clarke: Just now. Citizen: No you didn’t. Mr Clarke: Yes I did. Citizen: You didn’t Mr Clarke: I did! Citizen: You didn’t! Mr Clarke: I’m telling you I did! Citizen: You did not!! Mr Clarke: Oh, I’m sorry, just one moment. Is this a full debate or is there a gullotine in force? Citizen: Erm, the lady at reception didn’t say. Mr Clarke: Ah, thank you. Must be guillotined then. Anyway, I did. Citizen: You most certainly did not. Mr Clarke: Look, let’s get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you. Citizen: No you did not. Mr Clarke: Yes I did. Citizen: No you didn’t. Mr Clarke: Yes I did. Citizen: No you didn’t. Mr Clarke: Yes I did. Citizen: No you didn’t. Mr Clarke: Yes I did. Citizen: You didn’t. Mr Clarke: Did. Citizen: Oh look, this isn’t a debate. Mr Clarke: Yes it is. Citizen: No it isn’t. It’s just contradiction. Mr Clarke: No it isn’t. Citizen: It is! Mr Clarke: It is not. Citizen: Look, you just contradicted me. Mr Clarke: I did not. Citizen: Oh you did!! Mr Clarke: No, no, no. Citizen: You did just then. Mr Clarke: Nonsense! Citizen: Oh, this is futile! Mr Clarke: No it isn’t. Citizen: I came here for a good debate about Identity Cards. Mr Clarke: No you didn’t; no, you came here for a debate. Citizen: An debate isn’t just contradiction. Mr Clarke: It can be. Citizen: No it can’t. An debate is a formal discussion of opposing points and arguments intended to establish or dispute a particular proposition. Mr Clarke: No it isn’t. Citizen: Yes it is! It’s not just contradiction. Mr Clarke: Look, if I debate Identity Cards with you and you oppose the Government’s position, I must take up a contrary position. Citizen: Yes, but that’s not just saying ‘No it isn’t.’ Mr Clarke: Yes it is! Citizen: No it isn’t! Mr Clarke: Yes it is! Citizen: Debate is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. (short pause) Mr Clarke: No it isn’t. Citizen: It is. Mr Clarke: Not at all. Citizen: Now look. Mr Clarke: (Rings bell) Good Morning. Citizen: What? Mr Clarke: That’s it. Good morning. Citizen: I was just getting interested. Mr Clarke: Sorry, the debate’s over. Citizen: But didn’t actually debate anything about Identity Cards! Mr Clarke: I’m afraid we did. Citizen: We didn’t. (Pause) Mr Clarke: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to debate anymore. Citizen: What?! Mr Clarke: If you want me to go on debating, you’ll have to head over to the House of Lords. Citizen: Yes, but that was never a debate, just now. Oh come on! Mr Clarke: (Hums) Citizen: Look, this is ridiculous. Mr Clarke: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to debate this matter any further. Parliamentary rules, you know! Citizen: Oh, all right. (Citizen leaves room) Mr Clarke: Thank you. Don’t forget to register for your Identity Card on the way out. (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

Citizen: I want to complain. Mr Blair: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I’ve only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through. Citizen: No, I want to complain about… Mr Blair: If you complain then we do listen and learn… and then nothing happens, you might as well not bother. Citizen: Oh! Mr Blair: Oh my back hurts, it’s not a very fine day and I’m sick and tired of this office.

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

Citizen: Hello, I want to… Ooooh! Mr Prescott: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again. Citizen: uuuwwhh!! Mr Prescott: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there. Citizen: No. Mr Prescott: Now.. Citizen: Waaaaah!!! Mr Prescott: Good, Good! That’s it. Citizen: Stop hitting me!! Mr Prescott: What? Citizen: Stop hitting me!! Mr Prescott: Stop hitting you? Citizen: Yes! Mr Prescott: Why did you come in here then? Citizen: I wanted to complain. Mr Prescott: Oh no, that’s next door. This is the Deputy Prime Minister’s office. (Citizen leaves room)

Citizen: What a stupid concept.

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