Safety the Elephant packed his trunk…

If you've ever watched the Beeb's 'Mock the Week' you'll know that one of the funnier rounds entails Rory Bremner imitating a high-profile politician making a statement about the week's events, which is then translated by Hugh Dennis, into the 'thoughts' behind the statement.

As the Beeb have kindly printed Charles Clarke's statement on being sacked as Home Secretary, in full, this is naturally far too good an opportunity not to give it the same kind of treatment… 

It is with deep regret that I'm today leaving the office of home secretary, in which it's been my great honour to serve for the past 16 months.

[Has Blunkett moved out of that fucking apartment yet?] 

In this role, as in previous jobs in government, it has been my ambition to bring about the change necessary to transform the security of this country in relation to counter-terrorism, policing, prisons and probation and immigration and asylum.

[In this role, as in previous jobs in government, I've done what Tony wanted and now I've been left to carry the can when it all goes pear-shaped] 

As I've sought to make the necessary changes to what are very deep-seated and long-standing problems, I have uncovered areas where still more and faster change is needed.

[The whole department's fucked – no I mean seriously fucked]

One such issue is how to deal with foreign national prisoners – for which I have taken overall responsibility and on which I have staked my reputation.

[Which is why I'm getting the sack while the cunt's who really fucked things up will be getting their usual knighthoods and index-linked civil-service fucking pensions.

God I fucking hate civil servants – bastards the lot of 'em]

The prime minister, as is his right and responsibility, has made the judgement that my continued occupation of the post of home secretary is likely to stand in the way of the continued reforms which remain necessary and though I do not agree with that judgement, I entirely accept his right to make it.

[Anything to save your own skin, eh Tony? You teflon-coated, mendacious twat.] 

However, I do not think it would be appropriate to remain in government in these circumstances and return to the backbenches, where I will be a strong and active supporter of this government and the leadership of Tony Blair for his full parliamentary term.

[I told him to shove his job offer up his arse – no really, I did, honest. I  wonder if Gordon's free for lunch..?]

Thank you very much.

[Yeah, thank you very much you bunch of tossers – I'm going to get you Simon Carr if it's the last thing I do…]

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