In today’s Indy:
Bullets similar to illegal dum-dum ammunition and designed to cause catastrophic injury are to be used as standard by police marksmen in London. Senior officers at the Metropolitan Police have selected the bullet because it is better at incapacitating a target and is less likely to pass through the body to hit someone else…
Police used the term “petals” to describe the effect of the bullet opening out like a flower on impact but said it “should never be referred to as ‘dum-dum’, a slang term for ammunition deliberately and illegally altered by criminals to cause maximum injury and suffering”.
Oh still my beating heart at the poetry of it all.
New guidance issued by the Metropolitan Police aimed at improving the customer experience delived by its officers also suggests that riot batons should henceforth be referred to as ‘tickling sticks’ and requires officers to shout the warning ‘Expelliamus’ before tasering a member of public.
The guidance also derogates further use of the term ‘manslaughter’, which will be replaced either by ‘an unfortunate but unavoidable accidents for which no officer could reasonably be held responsible’ or ‘a regrettable but ultimately minor lapse in healthy and safety procedures’ as applicable.
In other news, the Home Office is seeking volunteers for a three year genetic research programme which aims to improve police recruitment practices, by the end of which they hope to have isolated the cunt gene.
(Warning: Video definitely NSFW)