Another day, another leaked letter in the Times…

It seems that Downing Street has been holed below the waterline yet again, and yet more of the thoughts of Chairman Tony on what he’d like us to be doing in government once he’s fucked off to the US lecture circuit have found their way into a Murdoch-owned newspaper.

And what delights has Tony got is store for us this time?

A “clean-sheet redesign of Whitehall”, resulting in “a radical (50%+) downsizing”.

Yeah right, Tony. We’re really going to sack half the Civil Service…

Let’s go for a prediction here, this ‘policy’ won’t actually result in anything like the ‘downsizing’ that Tony appears to be suggesting because most of the ‘reductions’ will be found not by cutting jobs directly but by outsourcing much of the routine admistrative tasks that low-level civil servants carry out (and the IT & Telecoms services they use to do those tasks) to the private sector.

Not really a ‘downsizing’ then, just a smoke and mirrors exercise in which the Crapitas of this world get a bunch of big fuck off contracts (but only after the management consultants have got their rake) and the office juniors get themselves TUPE’d across to the private sector… which is precisely what’s been happening in Local Councils for the last three or four years and is near enough primed and ready to go in the NHS as well.

Limiting immigration to “where it clearly benefits the UK” and making British citizenship a “greater prize” for immigrants.

The first one is obviously the incoming ‘points system’ for immigration – and what do points make? Visas – and the latter suggests that he’s thinking in terms of making the qualifying period for citizenship longer (and those dumbass fucking tests a bit harder, most likely by chucking in an English test on top).

Faith schools being twinned with schools of different religions.

This I’ve got to see. At Primary level, 99% of all state-funded ‘faith schools’ are Christian schools, so that’s 98% of the fuckers minus an available ‘twin’.

Either this is a bit of meaningless pissyness to make it look like something’s happening when it not, or he’s thinking that this will make a usable trojan horse for justifying the creation of even more faith schools.

Either way, he can fuck off.

Ensuring preachers recruited from abroad should have “a proper command of English”.

Ah yes, banning the importation of Imams.

Presumably all Muslims entering in Britain will, in future, be asked, ‘Are you or have you ever been an Imam’ and a new Home Office directorate will be set up to combat the new crime of ‘Imam trafficking’.

Prescribing addictive drugs in a bid to help tackle drug-related crime.

Come on. What the fuck’s Euan been up to now?

Expect this one to come and go quicker than Hazel Blears’ orange jumpsuit gig – is this Tony’s attempt to gain revenge on the Daily Mail for giving him a hard time of late?

Editor: You’re planning to give junkies, what? Ooh dear I’ve over all funny and my head’s suddenly pounding… bump.

Sentencing repeat offenders to “a night spent in the cells” plus unpaid work, rather than lengthy and costly periods in prison.

Oh good, orange jumpsuits AND bed and breakfast… how kind of him.

Higher energy taxes to cover the cost of pollution through so-called carbon pricing and introducing charges by weight for household waste collection.

Right, which one of you cunts gave Tony a copy of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy for Christmas?

The fabulously beautiful planet Bethselamin is now so worried about the cumulative erosion by ten billion visiting tourists a year that any net imbalance between the amount you eat and the amount you excrete whilst on the planet is surgically removed from your bodyweight when you leave:

So every time you go to the lavatory it is vitally important to get a receipt.

Look, I thought I’d made it clear after that last bit of nasty business we had to clean up when someone left a copy of 1984 lying around in the Cabinet Room, that if you give let him anywhere near a book he’ll only start getting fucking ideas, and as you all know that even if you read the fucking things to him and explain what they mean line by line, he still never quite understands thing properly.

So no fucking books, right?

And If I ever catch anyone so much as thinking about bringing a copy of fucking Starship Troopers within three miles of Downing Steet, I’ll have their bollocks on a spike outside the Treasury before than can so much as breath the word ‘citizens’.

Have you all got that? Good.

5 thoughts on “Another day, another leaked letter in the Times…

  1. Ah, Starship Troopers…fun fun fun in the light of the post-9/11 world…except that Bush and Blair think it’s a documentary-cum-policy manual.

  2. You realise Starship Troopers *is* a book, therefore mentioning it after you’ve mentioned ‘…no fucking books, right?’ kind of takes away from the point? Or were you simply re-emphasising?

  3. Re-emphasising – yes definitely, if you’ve ever read Starship Troopers.

    An don’t ever mention Kafka’s ‘The Trial’ within Tony’s earshot either.

  4. Just wanted to clarify.

    The film – despite the tounge-in-cheek transposition – is also relevant to modern American policy (and maybe future doctorine). Just in a much different fashion, eh?

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