Hello Evangelical Christians…
I understand that you’re a little put out by this whole human rights thing to do with chastity rings, which is why I’m here today to remind you that chastity is not the only Christian virtue. There are others…
… like poverty.
Poverty is good for the soul. If you don’t believe us, just look at what it says in the Bible about Jesus. Did he have a £250,000 house, regular holidays in the Bahamas and the latest thing in bio-diesel-powered Chelsea tractors? No, of course not – Jesus hadn’t got a pot to piss in but that didn’t hold him back and prevent him from turning water in wine, healing the sick and lame and being an all-around super spiritual son of God, did it?
And what about Francis of Assisi? Frankie was once a rich young layabout who then discovered the virtues of poverty and became both a saint and the most famous ornithologist of his time – kind of like Bill Oddie but without the blonde sidekick.
See what I mean, poverty is a good thing for a Christian… a positive virtue…
…and that’s why I’m here today with a once-in-a-lifetime offer for all you Evangelical Christians, an exclusive opportunity to choice the fastest growing Evangelical movement in Britain today, the Brass Ring Thing™, your guaranteed route to an eternity of bliss at the right hand of God.
We make the commitment to a spiritual life of poverty as easy as possible –
Simply send us your details along with sort code and account number of any bank accounts, share certificates, stocks, bonds, insurance policies, pension funds, the registration documents of any motor vehicles and the title and deeds to any property, together with a signed affidavit transferring ownership of all the items listed above to Brass Ring Thing (UK) Ltd and return we’ll send you:
A lovingly hand DTP’d and individually serialised vow of poverty on genuine A4 photocopy paper
You own Bible, donated free of charge by the Gideons International, and of course…
Your very own Brass Ring Thing™ Poverty Ring, inscribed with the text of Matthew 19:24 – “And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God” – a genuine and unmistakable symbol of your faith and your commitment to a spiritual life of poverty.
And best of all, this special once-in-a-lifetime offer comes complete with a cast-iron money back guarantee.
Should, for any reason, you discover after your death that you are not greeted by St Peter and transported immediately to the heavenly realm to sit at the right hand of God, simply contact our customer service department, giving the serial number in the top left hand corner of your vow of poverty, and we will arrange for a full refund within 28 days of receiving your claim.
Now who could possibly say fairer that that.
Call us today right away on 0800-POVERTY to sign up today, and remember…
Poverty is good for the soul… it says so in the Bible.